The dealbreaker
friend and we were discussing relationships. I
was debunking the theory of ‘the perfect one’ as I
was of the opinion that any relationship could
work if the two partners were committed to
making it work and shared the same values. My
friend agreed that the big things were important,
but that it was actually the small things that
could actually be a big deal for some
relationships, and gave an example of a friend
who couldn’t last with any lady if she refused to
take a shower every night before she dropped off
to sleep. What if the girl has spent the whole day
in Lagos island traffic and all she wants to do is
get out of her work clothes, take off her heels and
sleep biko? Can’t there be a compromise on such
an issue? I could understand if the girl was a
total slob and the guy was a neat freak, but
breaking up with a girl because she didn’t take a
shower every night before going to sleep? I felt
that was going overboard. But like a friend would
say: “Issorai. To each his own.”
When another guy said: “Look if she hasn’t
watched any of the Star wars movies, nope,
sorry.” Then I knew I had heard it all. Anyway,
that discussion made me go to town and try to
find out what exactly the deal breakers are
according to guy speak naija flavor. So ladies, if
you are wondering why that guy suddenly broke
up with you for no reason, it may be advisable to
take a look at some of these points.
Here are some of the major deal breakers guys
talked about:
1. Cheating: This is the number one deal
breaker. As long as you guys have
made it clear to each other that you
are in an exclusive relationship, finding
intimacy with another guy whether
emotional or physical is one thing guys
can’t seem to accept all over the
world. Almost nine times out of ten,
he’d up and leave. Forget the fact that
he’s had his own share of side flings.
Men love exclusivity when it comes to
their women.
2. Sexual history: Uh in Nigeria, there are
definitely a lot of changes taking
place. People are not as conservative
as they used to be. Things like sex are
actually being discussed openly
everyday among young people.
However a lot of Nigerian men still find
it difficult to accept women with a
colorful sexual history. It’s just a fact.
That’s why many girls sometimes
decide to take those secrets with them
to the grave and some are successful
in that regard. I really think it’s much
safer though(for both men and women)
to leave that part of your life
unexplored until you are in theright and
safe environment for it, which is
marriage.
3. Flirting with other guys: It’s ok to be
friends with your boyfriend’s male
friends but you need to be careful
about anything that could be
misconstrued as flirting. So laugh at
the guys jokes, but not too much.
Avoid touching his arm for instance.
Keep your distance and make it clear
that you are with the other guy no
matter the amount of sizzling
chemistry between you both. You don’t
want to give your beau the wrong
impression.
4. Family history: As a friend put it: ‘No
one wants to be with the crazies.’ At
first, I didn’t really understand what he
meant but then I thought about it for a
bit. We are all products of the
environment we grew up in and they
can affect us adversely or positively in
one way or the other. He said he is
somewhat wary of a good girl who
comes from a family riddled with
abusive or violent people. In one way
or the other, her environment was
bound to affect her. Another said he
was wary of girls who came from
single parent homes. While I personally
believe that you shouldn’t judge people
solely based on where they’re from, I
think it’s important to realize that they
may have some issues based on their
family background. What makes the
difference in relationships like these is
whether the other partner can cope
with those issues and, whether the two
of them can work through or are
willing to work through those issues or
not.
5. Lying: Funny thing is, although guys
generally are masters at deception,
they can’t stand it when their lady lies
and then they later find out about it,
especially when it’s a continuous
pattern of behavior. In essence, you
are telling them they can’t trust you.
No one wants to be with someone they
can’t trust.
6. Constant criticism: Of course we all
know that men are egocentric beings
so they find it more difficult to
withstand a verbal bashing. But
imagine them being exposed to that
kind of bashing day after day. After a
while they will scream that they can’t
take it anymore. Especially our naija
men. Who born you to tell me that I
don’t know how to manage my money?
Or that my tie is always crooked? Or
that all my friends are evil?
7. Abusive: I don’t know about you guys
but as a child I watched free shows
where the women held their husbands’
clothing and shouted: “Oloshi, you will
kill me today. You better bring out that
money or else…” The harried husband
usually tried to hold onto his shreds of
dignity either by pulling away and
dragging the woman with him or giving
her a ferocious slap or punch or also
abusing her in very colorful language.
Nowadays though, such shows are few
and far between. Our men certainly
cannot tolerate a public show of
shame anymore. They don’t seem to
appreciate a colorful stream of abuse
privately too.
8. Lack of Ambition/Too much ambition:
Gone were the days when women sat
at home making babies and men went
out to work. The Nigerian economy
just doesn’t call for that anymore. So
for most working class Nigerian men,
they really don’t want to waste time
with someone who can’t contribute
financially or has no idea of where
she’s going or what she wants to do.
On the other hand, they can’t deal with
someone whose ambitious drive
doesn’t give them time to be with their
family and carry out the traditional
roles of wife and mother. Many
Nigerian men don’t make good
househusbands. So the trick ladies, is
in the balancing.
9. Lack of housekeeping skills: Remember
what I said about the shower?
Although not all men insist on that, a
lot still have their own fantasies of
what constitutes good housekeeping
skills. Forget the fact that you went to
his house last week and you saw week
old plates in the kitchen sink. They just
hold you to a higher standard. So for
most naija dudes, you must be willing
and able to wash and cook and clean
and keep tidy both your person and
your residential quarters.
10. Nagging: This has been said to be the
number one sin of women all over the
world. I tried to do a little research on
nagging and this is what I came up
with. Nagging can be defined as the
ability to annoy someone by constantly
scolding, complaining or urging.
Someone explained nagging thus: “You
can say it in a number of different
ways, but when you say it in a number
of different ways over and over again,
that constitutes nagging.”(Michelle
Weiner Davis). So ladies, men don’t
appreciate our harping on something
again and again. Once we’ve said it
twice or thrice, then we need to let it
go. They will get it eventually with our
love and patience (lol. we pray so).
FYI, men nag too and it’s also a deal
breaker for a lot of women.
This is not an exhaustive list but for the most
part it covers a lot of the things men feel they
cannot cope with. Other things men mentioned as
deal breakers were a lady who is haughty,
argumentative, boring or can’t move on from her
past. Still others talked about the other person
not loving pets, or not being able to put their
phone down.
Relationships like many other things in life works
on a balancing mechanism. As a person you must
be able to look at the pros and cons of the
relationship. Yes, this person has these flaws but
do their good points trump the bad ones?
Because ladies and gentlemen, at the end of the
day what we are all looking for is love and
acceptance and we must be willing to give it if
we want to get it.
By Victoria Ozidu.
www.thedailyrepast.wordpress.com
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